Musings

Last week a friend asked if Sydney and I subscribe to any particular parenting methodology.  That gave me some pause, since I don’t doubt that we have particular goals in our minds, even if they don’t fall neatly under particular branded parenting philosophies.  So far our style is pretty easy to tell: we like to feed Katherine what we eat (excepting, perhaps, her father’s ice cream and her mother’s chocolate bars!), we prefer to backpack our kids rather than stroller them (although, now that we have two and city errands to run, a stroller is key), and we’re not keen on filling our house with lots of toys (since I spent half of my babysitting years picking up piles of toys).

But much of the parenting thus far has come as a response to Katherine’s needs.  She responded positively to the backpack, allowing me to get out of the house when I felt like a crazy new mother.  She preferred the spicy foods that we enjoy to any of the bland baby products out there, and she quite clearly cut me off breastfeeding when she wanted to move on.  Even now we make two plates for dinner: one for Sydney, and one that I share with Katherine.  She will eat a far, far greater range of things if we’re eating them together than if I’m feeding her on her own.  And she is somewhat ho-hum about toys, seeming happiest when we’re out and out in the town or at the park–or deep into the kitchen cupboards, cooking for real or for pretend.  Ithaca-style discipline doesn’t seem effective for our sturm-und-drang kid, so we’re having to try other things, including physical restraint, spanking, and time-outs.  I have to wonder what our “parenting style” will look like with regard to Nathaniel, who is currently a creature of a very different mold, and how we will respond to the children as individuals without seeming to raise them in two completely different households.

Setting aside my curiosity about whether we have a parenting style or whether the particular child necessitates a particular parenting style, I do have a number of goals for my kids, a list that has been growing as they grow.  I’ll list some of the things I have thus far, but I would be glad to hear of suggestions from you, since you are all people we respect, ones who know us well, and who might want to remind us something we forgot or get us to think about something we overlooked.  And I’m curious to know what’s on your list for your families (current or future).  This list isn’t exhaustive (God-fearing children, for example, is a high priority), but more likely represents things I’m afraid will get left out when life gets busy, and are things I would like to characterize our family.

– I would love for our kids to be in the kitchen with us, watching us cook, cooking with us, and, eventually cooking on their own.  How we eat is really important, and it seems that nearly all of my friends and classmates left the nest not knowing how to feed ourselves, how to set a grocery budget, or even what cooking avenues we might make into strengths of our own.  Though, to our credit, we’re figuring it out.  I knew several fantastic female philosopher bakers, and one classmate of mine got a KitchenAid mixer upon getting her degree–an acknowledgement of what she did to get through her tough work times.  When I was living on my own for the first time in college, desperately trying to cook decent meals for myself after work but a bit overwhelmed by everything that involved, a friend invited me over for dinner.  Her easy generosity (being able to invite someone at the drop of a hat, without making it seem a big deal) and agility in the kitchen left me with a new respect–and something to shoot for.  I would like our kids to be competent at cooking and find their cooking niches, so that they really do leave home knowing how to start their own lives.  Not to mention that, as I am finding out, a good home really is made better if there are two good cooks in it, so it’s best not to wait around to find the perfect spouse or roommate in order for your kitchen to get some use.  I am by no means the world’s best cook, and I can’t even say that it’s the thing I like best (since it’s the first thing to go when I get busy), but I decided several years ago that it was going to become a hobby of mine, whether I liked it or not, since I like to eat and since it’s such a huge part of life I would be stupid to ignore it and continue hobbling my way through mealtimes for the rest of my life.  So this desire is my version of “I would like our family to eat dinners together.”

– I would also like our kids to think of our family as an active one, with lots of family hikes, gardening, and long walks.  Everyday interaction with nature is important to my happiness, and to Sydney’s, and I’m guessing that Katherine’s energy will find its best outlet in good old-fashioned tuckering out outside.  I hope that being outside and active will be such a natural part of our kids’ lives that they keep up those rhythms after leaving home, exploring new places on foot and taking for granted that they will get to know a new country by the quality of its soil.  I also realized the other day how fortunate I am to have grown up in a community in which girls were very active in sports, whether or not you were a particularly gifted athlete (well done, Midwest!).  Now, many years after leaving those teams behind, I am surprised at how those early lessons in knowing my own strength and extension have served me in everyday situations.  I like to play pick-up volleyball games with Sydney’s community when we go home, and I don’t want to run after a stray soccer ball in the parks here without knowing that I have the ability to make a good toss or kick back to the much more fit college students.

– The third thing that stands out to me is the desire that we work together as a family.  Cleaning, fixing, moving, whatever needs done.  That our kids work by our sides in the normal, everyday aspects of life and therefore learn 1) how to work with others 2) that work is a natural part of family life 3) that their parents are not their servants 4) how to take care of things for when they have a home or life of their own.

(I’m going to take for granted here that our kids will grow up with music and books.  I know they may well introduce their own hobbies into our family, but I’m hoping that they will submit to their environment in accepting these two hobbies/obsessions of their parents).

Erin