Thoughts and Words Ill-Sorted

I thought that, once you become a parent, all parents would look alike.  Some would be more or less frazzled or stylish, depending on the temperament of both parents and children, and some would opt for noisy toys and others for wooden ones from Scandinavia, but the basic dynamic would be the same in all cases.  When I take the kids to playgroups, though, I see a difference between parents of one child and those of two or more.  Undoubtedly those who have more than two (3, 4, and beyond!) notice their own differences (anyone care to share?), but I don’t see as many parents in that range, and I’m not one myself, so I can’t speak to those.  And I’m sure the same can be said for parents with children at other ages; our neighbors have a daughter who is sixteen, and I am occasionally bowled over by the sight of them on the street: walking along, holding hands, no progeny in sight.  It’s incredible to me, since it will be a long time before Sydney and I can do that.

What I do see is that the doting of parents who have one child is different from those who are outnumbered.  When I go out with my kids, the parents (often mothers, though not always) of one child are always right there, interacting, proffering jackets, and making the most of every learning opportunity.  I recently saw one mother teaching her daughter to do cartwheels–by doing them herself (I wonder if I could do that without falling?).  Sometimes I long to be that parent again.  Things were frenetic with just Katherine (a force unto herself, I must say!), but I did occasionally find the time to do long-term planning with her, arranging for day adventures out and learning activities and lots of fun.  But it’s a bit like the shift from baby to toddler: when I meet a mom with a small babe in tow, we smile, but we can’t really relate, since her child is sleeping and mine . . . well, mine never are, and they’re inevitably both on the move, in opposite directions.

I wouldn’t say I’ve given myself up to chaos, but I’m often not up for talking with other moms, since it’s already difficult enough to divvy my attention between the two kids.  I am one of the few non-nannies in some playgroups, but I feel like I should wear a shirt that says: “She is friendly and will not bite, but please do not feed, pet, or distract the mother when she is working.”)  During the singing time today I let Nathaniel roam a bit while I helped Katherine play along, and I saw panicked looks on some mothers’ faces as they held their child in their laps and wondered why such a little man was on his own.  But I can only hold one kid at a time, and roaming won’t hurt him; other times it’s Katherine who is across the room while I tickle Nathaniel or help him navigate a new skill.

What I have learned to do is to find “quiet” in the shift from one child to another.  When Katherine’s bouncing off the walls it’s sometimes nice to turn to my little guy to give him a squeeze and a cuddle before I dive back into discipline and distraction.  And when he’s doing the I’m-going-to-cry-until-I-get-fed act, it’s great to turn to Katherine with a conspiratorial smile and slip her a snack as I run to his rescue.  On very rare occasions I see them playing together, completely oblivious to my presence, and I get a tiny glimpse of what the future might hold.  But those moments are short, and then I get to decide whether to first admonish or comfort when the peace breaks.

Erin

For the last few weeks I’ve been working with Katherine on pottytraining.  It’s going well.  But this is one area where I bothered to do a bit of reading, and everything about the way it’s going in our house makes me realize that I get very little help from reading such books.

“Begin when the child shows interest”: Katherine initially showed great interest, but has hopped from hot to cold several times in the past several months.  When I finally decided to dive in, I was appalled to see her enthusiasm quickly turn to kicking-and-screaming protest.  She has since gotten much better, but in every endeavor she makes sure that a protest is registered first, lest I think that we’re in on this together.  She has a nose for a parental agenda, and she’s not about to let herself be carried along without a fight!

“Be very clear about rewards”: when Katherine thinks she’s earned one, she has a fantastic memory for all of the fun rewards I promised or even hinted at since the moment she was born.  She is not about to miss an opportunity to collect.  But as far as using rewards to convince her to try something she has not already decided to do?  Not a chance.

When we were looking through a new book the other day she suddenly got very excited: “B-O-O-K.  Book!”  I was thrilled that she remembered . . . but then I had to point out that the “K” needed to come immediately after the other three letters (The book was titled “Peek-a-boo!”).  That’s very indicative of her learning style: she loves some letters and some words and some numbers, but shows absolutely no interest in mastering the entire alphabet or the entire number sequence.  Drives me crazy, but I’ll just keep looking for ways to encourage her to learn things beyond whatever initially catches her fancy.  Right now she’s busy trying to dress her stuffed animals in diapers, and I have to keep an eye on her to prevent her from changing Nathaniel’s diaper (poor guy!).  He is relatively unruffled by her antics and is currently trying to move from walking to running.  I’m also wondering how long it will be before he and Katherine are the same size . . .

Erin

Sydney and I were sitting at the table a minute ago, eating supper, when Sydney was suddenly hit by an overturned chair.  We look over to see Nathaniel, fresh from a bath and in great spirits, quite tickled with his success.  And we thought Katherine was dangerous . . .

Erin

In addition to the slightly surreal experience of meeting lots of friends and colleagues in a hotel filled with a thousand or two philosophers, I had time for a couple of additional activities on my trip to Washington, D.C. My first morning there I registered for a researcher’s card at the Library of Congress and then spent a good chunk of the day reading in the magnificent reading room in the Thomas Jefferson Building. I had the room largely to myself — certainly, readers were outnumbered by security personnel.

After the conference was over, I rented a car and drove down to Harrisonburg to visit Jared and Rebekah. Jared is a good friend from my Rosedale days but we hadn’t seen each other in several years; I was glad to get a chance to catch up. Jared also took me on a lovely hike up a ridge looking over the valley, a hike that changed my picture of Virginia forests. I thought bears and ravens belonged in northern forests, but I saw and heard a bunch of ravens and we met some hunters looking for a bear.

Yesterday morning I joined a friendly group of very good birdwatchers for a New Years Day trip around some of the DC birding sites. The only really unusual species we saw was a Cackling Goose at the Lyndon Baines Johnson Memorial Grove. That was a new species for me. If you want a birding challenge, take a look at the picture in the right column and see if you can see how it differs from a Canada Goose. Most of the birds we saw are more or less common birds, but it was nice to see some American birds again. I especially liked the Bufflehead flock that we found in Constitution Gardens — they’re one of my favourite ducks.

And now I’m back in England, getting ready for another interview that is going to be conducted via Skype. I understand the trend to doing interviews by Skype, but I can’t say I look forward to it. I’d rather be in the same room as my interviewers.

Sydney

In the past few days it has occurred to me a few times that I am the only person on this entire continent responsible for Katherine and Nathaniel.  All other potential guardians are a ten-hour plane ride away.  That has been a helpful reminder in those moments when pleasure and duty part company 🙂

Erin

Nathaniel is now heading out into open floor space and, though he’s occasionally stranded and forced to sit down, he’s quite pleased with his new freedom.  Katherine is a bit baffled: she keeps wanting to help him, but she doesn’t understand why a little push here or there gets a reprimand from me.

Erin

Nathaniel has apparently figured out that there just aren’t enough doting adults in this house, so he’s taking matters into his own hands.  In the past few days he’s learned to turn around and slide down from the couch, single steps, and other low perches.  He’s also climbed onto low pieces of furniture to reach forbidden books and toys on the upper shelves of our bookcase.  I’ve now moved everything in our house up a few feet, wherever possible, so Katherine has to climb onto chairs and reach over her head for her favorite things.  She loves this: she gets permission to climb and she has many opportunities to say “No!” to the baby.

Erin

Nathaniel is now cruising around the room, holding lightly to furniture as he makes the rounds.  He  likes to mix things up, so I find myself arrested, halfway across the room, as he takes the opportunity to use me as a bridge between furniture.  He’s tried using Katherine in the same way, but she’s a much more skittish piece of furniture.  I’ve been able to coax him a couple of feet away from the furniture, into my arms, but he’s not striking out on his own just yet.  Katherine has watched us perambulating up and down the living room, and she explained that she wanted a chance to take the baby for a walk.  So he and she set off down the room a couple of minutes ago, she impatient to go faster and he a bit unsure about his new walking partner.

Erin

Katherine has been doing really well recently, being a good helper, a happy walker, etc.  But we’ve had a good week now of no naps, lots of challenges to authority, and blunt refusal to learn letters or play along.  Tomorrow I expect her to come down wearing a Che Guevara shirt and a bandanna over her curls.  Sydney and I have conferred at length, tried shifting naps, etc., to no avail.  But today I peered into her mouth and spied her final set of molars coming in, so I think we have the answer to our queries.  I only hope that they hurry up: she’s now refusing to talk in more than grunts and single words, and yesterday she took a bite out of one of our wooden dining chairs . . .

Erin

We began our Christmas day with a note of rebellion: I made blueberry muffins (blueberries are not an English food) for breakfast, accompanied by slices of clementines, apples, and bananas.  But much of the rest of the day had a nice English feel.  We talked Katherine through the Christmas story, put on a Handel CD, and took a family walk around University Parks.

Nathaniel hits his head on our dining table, and he can reach the low shelf on the bookcase, so we’re working hard to find Katherine some places in the house where she can stash toys that are just for her (she loves small choking hazards . . .).  For now she has a little reading nook set up on the main floor, where she settled in earlier today to read Winnie-the-Pooh stories to her new friend, Eeyore.

After much trepidation, I steamed my first Christmas pudding, and it turned out to be surprisingly delicious.  Not all English food is bad!  Sydney asked for seconds, and Nathaniel abandoned his banana to beg for bites.

Tomorrow Sydney leaves for a week in DC for job interviews.  The kids and I will resume a rather quiet life, aided by bursting cupboards (after several grocery runs this week) and mild weather.  We hope you have a wonderful Christmas with your families!

Erin