Amused

I’ve had a number of inquisitive mothers and grandmothers asking about what I know about the baby thus far, how soon I’ll know x, y, and z, and all sorts of other things that I get the impression a number of other expectant mothers might know by this stage.  As one who usually wants to know things very badly, I’m amused by myself and both them as I answer “I don’t know.  As far as I know, everything’s fine.  But I don’t know anything.”  You can say I’m trying to follow Sydney’s prescription to sit back, relax, and focus on thinking calm thoughts so we end up with a calm baby (yeah, yeah, I know we’re dreaming on that front, but it’s worth a shot).  You could say I’m not focused on baby because I’ve got two to worry about (baby and dissertation) and I’m already cheating my child out of my attention.  You could say it’s the smugness of a young, healthy mother thinking that, statistically, she’s bound to be on the right track.

But I think (just maybe) it has something to do with the fact that it’s the first time in my life I’m acknowledging the fact that this is waaaaaaay outside my control.  As in, other than trying to stay healthy, happy, and avoiding sharp blows to the stomach, there’s not much I can do, for better or for worse.  I’ve thought a lot about this lack of control and the effect it has on my approach to the world.  For now, it’s making me content to worry about simply getting up in the morning, eating breakfast, getting dressed, and attempting to be productive with my day.  As we move along in the weeks (13 weeks and counting) I’m finding myself thinking of the baby more and more, but they’re pleasant, non-obsessive thoughts, and I’m amusing myself with them and leaving it at amusement.

Erin