As the daughter of a Southerner, and one who was instructed to use “ma’am” as a term of respect, I was chagrined to read this NYTimes piece, in which a “completely unscientific poll” supported the anecdotal evidence of the article in characterizing “ma’am” as a way to irritate women and make them feel old. I’ve always called women “ma’am,” including those both older than me and teenagers, and I haven’t been terribly sympathetic when I’ve been told that the term makes a woman “feel old.” I tend to use the term whether a woman is married or not, because I really don’t want to have to guess about her marital status. I can’t say I think much of the substitute terms that were offered in the article and subsequent letters to the editor: until it’s been fully adopted into the English language I will not be using the French “Madame” where the English will do, and it will be a cold day before you catch me calling someone “Goddess” or “Princess” instead.
But I’m not deaf to connotation, despite my mulishness on this issue, and I’d be curious to know what you think of “ma’am,” either when you use it or when others use it to address you. I am willing to wager that respondents to this blog will cover more geographies and cultural niches than the article-writer’s poll.
Erin
Alan Schmierer
Where I come from, “Ma’am” definitely carries a connotation of a certain age (>40?). I remember my mother being distressed the first time she was “ma’amed”, and I find it weird when people say it to me. “Miss” doesn’t bother me, though, and that’s what I’d use for a teenager.
-L (from MA)
Interesting: I’ve had other women get huffy at “Miss,” claiming that that made them sound too young, like when smart alecks call blue-haired women “young ladies.” It sounds to me that anything that bears ANY connotation of age or stage in life carries danger.
Erin
I use Ma’am for pretty much everyone over the age of 30ish, without regard to their marital status. I’ve never really had anyone get huffy about it.
Also, I don’t think its disrespectful that someone referred to Senator Boxer as Ma’am, the same way I wouldn’t think it was disrespectful for someone to refer to Senator Grassley as “sir.” The article suggests there is a difference because a man is “sir” from the nursery to the nursing home, but I find that a little hard to believe… I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone refer to my brother as “sir.”
Lastly, I have to weigh in on “Careful, miss,” “Careful, ma’am,” or “Careful, dear” and say that I really hate it when anyone under the age of 90 calls me “dear.” I find that when people call me dear, its usually because they think I’m helpless or naive.
–heidi (IA)
From the way over 50 set…I don’t want to be called “Miss;” it’s clear that I am not. Being addressed as ma’am is fine, although I am a bit uncomfortable with it – not due to ny age, but because it can be ‘stuffy.’ I never use Miss for anyone except as a term of endearment e.g. ‘missy.’ In restaurants I refer to all female wait staff as ma’am, regardless of age, and ‘sir’ for the men.
I would hazard a guess, Heidi, that your handsome brother does hear the occasional ‘sir’ in the classroom, and goodness only knows how he is referred to outside the classroom:)
“Endearment,” eh, Mom? I hear “missy” from you in contexts like, “Just WHAT do you think you’re doing, Missy?” Then I know to run–and I think Katherine’s learning the same thing 🙂
Erin
Having heard your usage of “missy,” I must concur with Erin.
I’ll ask my brother about whether any of his students call him sir. I do know that they shorten his name to Mr. E, and some of his junior high students last year thought it was funny to “slur” it and call him “Mystery” instead.